Before memory fades.

Yes, it's been over 3 years since I've blogged. My life has changed quite a bit since then and I haven't had the time I used to when I was staying at home (not that little kids don't keep you busy!!). My kids don't nap anymore and I work away from the home. Not better or worse, just different. But definitely less time to blog. I thought about this blog out of nowhere awhile back. And my blog name has ironically become a big part of my current life. I just finished spending the week looking after my sweet Mama who's memory has literally faded. She was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimers disease and it's been progressing for a few years now. Just this week, my mama looked right at me and asked if I've 'ever been a Belsly?'. When I told her I had, she looked in my eyes and asked "well how? Who were your parents?" I knew this day would come eventually, and many more days even harder. But I didn't expect it this week of Christmas, 2016. It's such a wierd disease!! To have a woman who can still move and dance better than some gals in their 30's, who looks beautiful and has aged great with no other health issues...yet she can look into her only daughters eyes and not know in that moment that it's her daughter. It sucks, obviously. But there is also so much sweetness in this at the same time. I'm about to go or am going through a difficult season. One that I've been down before with my daddy. But this time I'm an adult. I have my own family to care after and that makes it harder and also easier. I'm a grownup content in my life stage and not a scared 16 year old girl watching her daddy die, in my home, more every day. To say it brings back emotional baggage from that time in my life, is an understatement. Maybe baggage isn't the word? But feelings are flooding back. The feelings of pain that as a teenager made me want to 'check out' and avoid my daddy that I loved and felt so close to up until his condition got REAL bad. I'm doing it different this time around. I'm going to pour myself into her more than I normally would and even when it's painful. I'm going to try and soak up time with her, make her feel like she's not losing her mind. Unfortunately, this is something I may need help with. To be honest, I'd like to see a therapist or professional to give me some tips so that when I'm around her, or after I've been with her, I can NOT let my sadness carry over into my everyday life and affect my kids, my family, my sleep etc. Something I'm thankful and surprised about is how in a way, she is much easier for me to spend time with. If you know me well, you know that my mom drove me NUTS. I was a crabby B*&$%% to her as a teen/early 20's and made her cry for some reason or another when she would visit in KC after I was an adult. She's sensitive, I'm not. She's overbearing on her loved ones and I resented that. She'd call several times when a storm hit or when I was flying or worry obsessively about me when she didn't need to. All out of love I guess, but all drove me nuts. Now, I can't even remember when the last time was that she called me. Not even on my birthday. The basic operation of using a telephone is sometimes too hard for her to complete. She doesn't drive or have a cell phone. In a lot of ways, she's reverted back to a child. So hanging out with her is more pleasant in a sense. I now take care of and worry about her instead of the other way around. She plays with Bria like they are little best friends and gets a bit agitated with me if she senses I'm in ANY way bossing her around (basically making sure she eats and drinks water). I'm learning to embrace this new mama instead of feel so down about what she's lost. I said I'm LEARNing. Because it's tough. Anyways, someone suggested I journal this phase. And that sounds terrible. Especially my handwriting. Just looking at my own terrible handwriting makes me hate myself for a good 10 minutes. So blogging in may be. It is a bit therapeutic in a way! I've attached a link of my sweet mama taken just a few days ago. As you can see, she doesn't look sick. And for 66, she can move good. These moments need to be recorded. Especially her finale... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfr8P0dWCoA

Stressed? Anxious? Down?

I came across this in my journal. Journal is a very loose term as I don't keep one. It's really just a book of wise things I write down when I hear them or occasionally think them up. These particular nuggets of truth I don't think were my own words though? I can't be sure, but I think they belong to one of my favorite mentors, Wendy Evans. But I love it and want to be able to reference it and have my children reference it when they are stressed, anxious or down.... Is it circumstancial? If 'X', 'Y' or 'Z' changed my mood be better?? If so, that's a miserable place for me and the people around me to live because circumstances will ALWAYS change beyond our control. Constants are: God's character, God's plan for my life, His love and his purpose for my life, and heaven. Learning to be truly focused on these things can completely remove anxiety.

Kindergarten

Hayes is only 3 1/2 and is already obsessed with wanting to go to kindergarten. Every time he sees a school bus, he brings it up. This week, he wanted me to drive by and show him where he will go to kindergarten someday. Made me sad! But I did it. We pulled right up to the door while he asked 'is it that WHOLE big building? Do I get to play in that park(playground)?Does my school bus come here?' and lots of other questions:) I've known since he was a baby how independent he was, but I didn't think he'd be this ready to leave the house already!

Take your child to work day

Today is that national 'take your child to work day' or whatever. The one where the schools are actually OFF so they can go to work with a parent. I remember it being around to some extent when I was younger, because I took advantage of it once. Today made me think of it for the first time in awhile! I think I was in either 7th grade or Freshman year in high school. You could get out of going to school for this. The ENTIRE day. So I briefly ran it by my dad (who was pretty much self employed) knowing I wouldn't really be going to work with him. I knew it would just be a fluff day where I could get away with sleeping in and doing nothing. He said sure, so we were good! The night before, he asked me if I wanted to 'go to work' with him, or with my mom. And I chose him. Well, my plan didn't work out as well as I hoped. Instead of sleeping in, he woke me up VERY early, around 6 or so if I remember correctly. That's SUPER old for being a teenager. Still early for me now. But he was such a disciplined guy, that he started his day early even though he didn't need to. He didn't have a boss. But he would start his day by reading the Bible and exercising. So here he was, hanging over my bed, super early in the morning, asking if I wanted to go for a walk or go through his 'morning floor exercise routine'. My choice. I don't even think it was light out yet, and I already regretted my decision of telling school I was going to work with my dad. I remember there being a short argument like 'are you serious dad?' and him telling me that I could go to work with mom who had like ten Bible studies planned with 30 ladies or something and that if I thought this was going to be a free day, I was WAAAy wrong. He totally got me:) I opted for the walk. I don't think we talked. I really don't think we did. Sadly, I think I was pretty pissed off most of the day. My memories of the day aren't 100% clear but I know we went to the farm for awhile and did some 'boring Bradley stuff'. But it's funny how now, as an adult looking back at what I thought was such a waste of a day was. I had no idea that within a couple years, I would NEVER get to see my dad again in this life. Never get to take an early morning walk or do some boring college work with him. What I wouldn't give! But how grateful I am that he didn't just let that lazy teenager sleep in and take advantage of that free national holiday, because now I have that funny little memory:)

Tag Team

Here's what happened while I was getting the spaghetti ready. Two little kids stole the Parmesan cheese off the counter and dumped the ENTIRE full container onto Bria's floor, and rubbed it into the carpet. Her room smells like barf.

Punishments

Since Hayes was about 14 months old, we've struggled with finding the right punishments for him. Over the last year and a half, we've tried it all while struggling to be consistent. I have a hard time being consistent when somehow every punishment with Hayes turns into him out smarting me. Just a few examples: -Vinegar. This worked for a couple weeks. When he talked back or said mean/disrespectful things to me, I'd put a cotton ball soaked with Apple Cider Vinegar on his tongue. This kills two birds with one stone, as ACV is very good for his immune system. Tastes terrible. TERRIBLE. But after a couple weeks, Hayes would ask for 'binegar'. -Spanking has taken a back seat, as he recently doesn't flinch. I'm spanking him HARD, with a plastic kitchen spoon. He turns around, sticks his butt out, and says 'this is going to be funny'. Takes his spanking, and says 'that was funny'. If it hurts, he should get an award for his acting. I literally don't feel right spanking him any harder than I already do. -Taking away toys. This worked VERY well for a couple weeks. He'd cry and cry. But just now, I went into his room and said if he didn't clean up the game (that he threw all over his room in a fit of rage), that I was going to take some toys away. He replies with 'Ok, maybe you should take two toys.' and proceeds to hand me all of his toys. Just walking around saying 'here, take this one too'. -Sending him to his room, is still the only one that slightly works. Until you hear him throwing toys against the door, punching the wall, knocking over shelves etc. -Sticker chart. We have a chart in the laundry room that has just THREE stickers. If he can make it through the day with all 3 stickers up, he gets a prize. He gets stickers for obeying and doing random good things. And gets stickers taken away as well. We've had that thing for about 6 months, and there hasn't been a single day where he's ended the day with all 3 stickers. I've shown him the prize he gets if he can get 3 stickers. I've even been gracious and given him freebie stickers when he didn't quite deserve it.

Crafts

As of now, I still hate crafts. I say still, because as a kid, whenever we had to do one in school, mine never turned out. It honestly caused a source of anxiety for me because I was a girl and girls are supposed to be good at that creative stuff. Sure mom, I KNOW I have other talents:) But I'm just stating the obvious that my art projects looked like crap, my handwriting is about as good as a 4-year old boys, and I have no color/fashion/idea/creativity or whatever 'that' is. Now that I'm a housewife, it seems the craft world is hitting me all over again. Ladies want to get together and craft. I'd rather just about do anything else. Even miniature golf, which I also hate. But as a mom, I realize kids like crafts. My son likes crafts. So it's ok to do them with him, because we are actually on the same talent level of crafts. His crafting, eases my craft anxiety. His colored turkey with pipe cleaners on it, makes mine look like..well, like I'm not 3 years old! But this Christmas my kids are 3 and 18 months. We'll set the presents out under the tree Christmas Eve so they can wake up to them. But I'm not going to put little gift tags on them because they can't read. And also because I'm terrible at wrapping. And I'm a lazy wrapper. BUTTT I wanted a way for them to know which presents are theirs. So I had the idea to make some reusable gift tags/ribbons that have elastic to fit around any gift. And they will be on their presents every year! They aren't pretty, but they are functional and pretty for my work!