Friday, December 30, 2016

Before memory fades.

Yes, it's been over 3 years since I've blogged. My life has changed quite a bit since then and I haven't had the time I used to when I was staying at home (not that little kids don't keep you busy!!). My kids don't nap anymore and I work away from the home. Not better or worse, just different. But definitely less time to blog. I thought about this blog out of nowhere awhile back. And my blog name has ironically become a big part of my current life. I just finished spending the week looking after my sweet Mama who's memory has literally faded. She was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimers disease and it's been progressing for a few years now. Just this week, my mama looked right at me and asked if I've 'ever been a Belsly?'. When I told her I had, she looked in my eyes and asked "well how? Who were your parents?" I knew this day would come eventually, and many more days even harder. But I didn't expect it this week of Christmas, 2016. It's such a wierd disease!! To have a woman who can still move and dance better than some gals in their 30's, who looks beautiful and has aged great with no other health issues...yet she can look into her only daughters eyes and not know in that moment that it's her daughter. It sucks, obviously. But there is also so much sweetness in this at the same time. I'm about to go or am going through a difficult season. One that I've been down before with my daddy. But this time I'm an adult. I have my own family to care after and that makes it harder and also easier. I'm a grownup content in my life stage and not a scared 16 year old girl watching her daddy die, in my home, more every day. To say it brings back emotional baggage from that time in my life, is an understatement. Maybe baggage isn't the word? But feelings are flooding back. The feelings of pain that as a teenager made me want to 'check out' and avoid my daddy that I loved and felt so close to up until his condition got REAL bad. I'm doing it different this time around. I'm going to pour myself into her more than I normally would and even when it's painful. I'm going to try and soak up time with her, make her feel like she's not losing her mind. Unfortunately, this is something I may need help with. To be honest, I'd like to see a therapist or professional to give me some tips so that when I'm around her, or after I've been with her, I can NOT let my sadness carry over into my everyday life and affect my kids, my family, my sleep etc. Something I'm thankful and surprised about is how in a way, she is much easier for me to spend time with. If you know me well, you know that my mom drove me NUTS. I was a crabby B*&$%% to her as a teen/early 20's and made her cry for some reason or another when she would visit in KC after I was an adult. She's sensitive, I'm not. She's overbearing on her loved ones and I resented that. She'd call several times when a storm hit or when I was flying or worry obsessively about me when she didn't need to. All out of love I guess, but all drove me nuts. Now, I can't even remember when the last time was that she called me. Not even on my birthday. The basic operation of using a telephone is sometimes too hard for her to complete. She doesn't drive or have a cell phone. In a lot of ways, she's reverted back to a child. So hanging out with her is more pleasant in a sense. I now take care of and worry about her instead of the other way around. She plays with Bria like they are little best friends and gets a bit agitated with me if she senses I'm in ANY way bossing her around (basically making sure she eats and drinks water). I'm learning to embrace this new mama instead of feel so down about what she's lost. I said I'm LEARNing. Because it's tough. Anyways, someone suggested I journal this phase. And that sounds terrible. Especially my handwriting. Just looking at my own terrible handwriting makes me hate myself for a good 10 minutes. So blogging in may be. It is a bit therapeutic in a way! I've attached a link of my sweet mama taken just a few days ago. As you can see, she doesn't look sick. And for 66, she can move good. These moments need to be recorded. Especially her finale...

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