Monday, January 16, 2012

Healthy Purge

I am giving myself a vacation from Facebook. I have to check myself sometimes and re-do my priorities. There is nothing wrong with Facebook. In fact, that's how I keep in touch with a majority of my friends, see their babies grow, communicate with my moms groups etc. It brings us together and I love it. However, what is wrong is when I let it take over my day. I know myself well enough to know that I need to watch anything that does this. Again, that doesn't necessarily mean it's bad, but the amount of time wasted can be bad:) The goal for my life is to serve God, serve my family, and serve others. ANYTHING else that can consume me, needs to be checked. So I give myself a break from it. And if I can't take a break from it, then it's a problem and I consider it an addiction. Could be eating, could be tv, could be exercising(got that one in check:), could be wine, could be a relationship that isn't good for us, could be just dwelling on something materialistic that doesn't bring us lasting fulfillment when we obtain it, could be our obsession to have control over the details of our life,could be the internet or attempting to keep our lives/homes/appearance perfect... could be ANYTHING. So when I see myself letting something besides serving my family, God and others take up too much time, I have to make sure I can live without it for awhile.
After my dad died, I found myself in an unhealthy obsession with my weight. Binging on an entire box of toaster strudels in one sitting, eating an entire bag of Thomas bagels in less than 5 minutes etc. Eating as much as I could as fast as I could as if to get through it so I wouldn't stop and think about how bad it was for me. But you do finish eventually, and feel so terrible physically and emotionally, that you have to 'un-do' it. That's when the barfing started (like my word choice;). It started slow and got the point where even if I put on chapstick, or chewed a piece of gum, I thought there was some flavor or calories that needed out. I would mentally freak out into how I was going to sneak to a bathroom and vomit without anyone catching on. Eventually had it down to a science where I NEVER had to stick my finger down my throat, could do it silently and quickly, and hide it in my room or in the shower or wherever! To the point where at my worst, I counted over 20 times in one day. That'a living mental hell. A constant cycle of mental panic on trying to control what you eat, blowing it by going overboard, and then panicking on getting it out of your system quickly. And repeat. Thank GOD I got through it and can honestly say it's not a struggle anymore. The thought of being back in that secret addiction is enough to keep me far from it. Well, at least the barfing part. I still over eat quite a bit ;)
But knowing how my personality can get to that point of letting something run my life, I have learned to step back, and make sure I can live without something for a short period of time, even if the thing itself isn't harmful. Haha, like how I pretty much compared Facebook to an eating disorder??? Hardly..
So my plan for the beginning of 2012 is to prioritize a few things. See you back on there in a month or so!

1 comment:

  1. Summer, I totally understand what you mean about being consumed by ANYTHING other than what we should be doing (Serving our faithful God of course!) It's great that you recognize this within yourself and that you are able to step back. Thank you for sharing yourself. You're a wonderful person whom I am very thankful for. :)